This is the episode I have been dreading beyond my wildest dreams. I don't do well with Christmas. I don't do well at all. I cry more than smile because it just isn't a good time for me.

Also, I am seriously considering whther or not I will watch this ep of Supernatural. I just can't do it. I don't know.

I just read the sides for it. Just so I'd see what might happen and everything. And I'm crying.

So there's the answer I guess.

*hugs flist*

I am just an emotional wreck. Obviously.

Because I cried during TWO parts of Supernatural tonight. TWO. The middle where they were in that room and the end with the...*tearing up*...car.

Fuck. I think I'm gonna go cry again.

Episode review in the works.

I'm gonna start a new personal journal(that I actually write in, like a real notebook). Lately, I've been feeling so depressed, like all these old feelings are rushing back in and I know that a journal is what helped me before. Also, art and drawing helped me too. So I plan on doing some art as well.

Don't be surprised if I take a break from LJ for an extended period of time. I just need a break. A little vacation of sorts.

And time to ponder what I really want from this great big green world.

He just told me that if he'd been here when J came over to break up with me, he'd have broken his jaw or worse.

My brother's the best.

+John Waters' Shock Value
+texting with Jennifer and Rayvon
+peanut butter crackers
+working and keeping busy
+Kyle XY
+Supernatural episodes
+Amazon.com
+cereal
+LiveJournal
+Frasier late at night
+ the Moto-Q phone that I'm getting soon
+my ipod (Teena Marie songs in particular)

...cuz they really make me feel better.

She is my bestest friend and I shall finish the Alec icons for her because I love her bones and she makes me giggle and makes my heart smile.

In our slumber party, Jared's hair is in pigtails and Jensen is in Batman undies.

We rule.

Just stopping by to say hi. Haven't been around much. Basically I've been having a meltdown. And its still ongoing. I can't seem to stop the tears from coming. And I don't know why.

This pic helps though.


*hugs*

We hung out today. He's home until next weekend. And I couldn't be happier. I really couldn't. Well maybe if Jared and Jensen gave me a lap dance...but still..lol.

And for the sake of randomness, one of my favorite Welsh actors, Ioan Gruffudd.


Ioan, Clive Owen, Christian Bale, and Hugh Jackman are my top men. J2 is after that somewhere.

I got a guinea pig a couple days ago. I named him Harry after Harry Potter. I almost named him Sam, but I thought Harry fit him better. Cuz he's magical. He's so sweet and cuddly. I guess I'll post pictures of him soon. I took some nice ones of him and Daisy cuddling.

On another note, I've managed to be completely stupid with words. I really have to learn to do that whole think-before-you-speak thing. Cuz I seem to be really good at the reverse.

But I should survive, I slept about 15 or 16 hours last night cuz I was so distressed, still thinking of what I should say though.

ETA:I got the words out and things are good. *sigh*

I swear James and I are on a roll. He just basically wanted to cuddle and just be together tonight. And when we were making plans, he just made my day. He says,"Let's just sit and cuddle and watch all your episodes of Supernatural that you taped." *giggle swoon* Seriously!! We watched Croatoan, Hunted, Nightshifter, Houses of the Holy, and Born Under A Bad Sign. I have all the shows from this season except Bloodlust, because I forgot to set my VCR. *guh* Anyways, we watched the only these episodes before we got tired so we just cuddled after we watched evil!Sammy be thwarted.

I called him Sammy. And he likes that. Dean is great and all, but Sam will settle down before Dean even utters the word commitment. And James' hair is even starting to do this Sammy thing. Its getting kinda long. Hopefully he'll try the long look again for a while.

*goes to sleep dreaming about her Jammy* By the way, my new ringtone is Renegade by Styx.

James is home this weekend. And I think yesterday was the most beautiful and perfect day I've had yet this year. It was amazing. And yay!!

*hugs flist*

I just got home...phew. I went out to dinner with my mom's best friend and her daughter who I call my mini-me. We ate at Red Robin, one of my facorite places. Then we went bowling. And this was the first time I ever did it. It was pretty fun even though my right hand is dying from the pain from almost breaking it. *stupid* It was cool getting 3 strikes! And I got a bunch of spares. Beginner's luck, but still the coolest stuff ever.

Hopefully James will get on soon so I can tell him all about it.

I wish it was Monday, I would be talking to Liz or not2shy..but on Monday, I got a doc appt..*tear* I'll be out early so I can get in and get out. So I can talk to my babies!

I seem to be able to be sweaty and cold at the same time. Also, I had my first headache in a couple days. And it sucked massively. And now I'm kinda sniffly so that sucks even more.

Oh, and I forgot to say I loved Playthings. It went great. And when will Sammy get his cast off, that must be driving his penis nuts, unless he masturbates with the other hand... *has a very dirty mind*

*seriously thinking about making a Dark Angel(Alec) video, a Jensen video, and another Jared video, and possibly a Gilmore girls fic/video*

True story. I was having a bad day so far, then I stumbled upon someone's fanvid of Jeffrey Dean Morgan and his smile blew away my blues. *snuggles him*



Woot! *off to look for his Rachel Ray interview, all starpixie16's fault* *smiles at her*

My daddy is home now and he's resting up, he's tired after all the blood they took. Ah geez now I can relax.

A new website I found that helps me manage stress: http://www.whackyourboss.com. It rocks.

My dad went into the hospital today. He's a diabetic and his blood sugar went up over 600, which is terrible if you're a diabetic. It basically means that if you don't get to a hospital fast to get your sugar levels down, then you better pick out a headstone and fast. :(

Anyway we were there for hours, and hours. Luckily, having a great boyfriend means that he will come to the hospital and wait with you in the waiting room and rub your leg and make sure you're okay and ride with you when your mother drives you home and have his dad pick him up there. *smiles* They're keeping Daddy overnight too.

So yeah..give me hugs please. *Sammy puppy eyes*

We cried in each other's arms after we fought like lions. My trust issues are something I have to work on. I finally told him how I feel about having to take meds for depression..I feel like a crazy person, like a mutant..

But now he knows and now I know him, and I love him.

So for further posts, I won't be including James in anything. And that's it.

It's amazing what you'll do when you have no fucking idea what's going on.

My bofriend has strep throat!! Gross! I'm not going anywhere near him until he is well. And he should understand that.

ROTS is on HBO. I'm stoked. I still wanna be a Sith. They seem much cooler than Jedi. But that's just me.

Maybe I should write some fic with J2 as Jedi. Cute!

Happy New Year, guys!!

We survived this year, now on to kick ass in the next!! *hugs*

By the way, I got some Superman pajamas today!! Theyre so retro. *hugs Clark*

I had one tonight. And the smile won't leave my face. I soooooo missed my James..and tonight was bloody brilliant. On top of that, we exchanged gifts and he loved his Pasta book and the wooden plaque and box I made for him. I was so happy I did good on gifts. And yay he bought me the Sony CyberShot camera that I wanted. Sweet!!!

*hugs flist*

So I watched Supernatural with James last night. I'm not sure he liked it. I tried my best to keep my fangirling subdued. It was so fucking hard. I just wanted to jump inside the TV and kinda rape the boys. Thank god thats impossible... But yeah he wasn't really into it. Probably because he doesn't care about supernatural events, family dramas, cute boys, or '67 Chevy Imapalas. Can't hate him for it. But Thursday nights at 9, I'm gonna be watching Spn, if he wants to join, he's more than welcome. But I think I'll be watching alone. We actually didnt do much else..he wasn't interested in watching that HBO special Real Sex so we watched other stuff, stumbled upon Sky Captain. And we watched because James has an unspoken crush on Jude Law. Don't tell him I said that. LOL.

Something funny my little brother said the other day..We were watching the video I made for SPN, he likes to see what I do for the show, graphics and otherwise. Well, he was looking at the one clip I used from HOME. And he watched how big Jensen's eyes got when the psychic woman was talking to him, and Alex [my little brother] said, "When Dean has his eyes like that, he looks like that chicken from Chicken Run.." Hilarious!! Because now when I watch it, I totally see it. That's great. I love when Alex opens my eyes to that stuff.

...and it just so happens that my period starts on *drumroll* Christmas Eve! Can you believe that? It;s really funny to me. It's like my little Christmas gift from God.. He does work in mysterious ways.

In other news, I made muffins today!! 6 bluberry ones, 6 corn ones, and 12 chocolate ones. Fucking delicious. And tomorrow, I'll entertain Liz with some muffins and milk. Woot!

*waves goodnight to flist*
P.S. Anybody watch the Victoria Secret Fashion Show? God, it was amazing. I love women in lingerie.

I downloaded this interview of Jensen from his Dark Angel days from the bottom of this page. And I have finally come up with what I like my man/boyfriend/love slave/boytoy to be able to do and encompass. I love when a man can produce this obviously macho exterior without being blatantly offensive and be able to just give you that smile that can melt you right to the core and all of a sudden he's a sweetheart. And if I can see a man blush, that's got to be the most attractive physical trait I've ever seen. Just the smile that melts and the blushiness that shows his vulnerability. Goodness, that's so sexy to me.

And needless to say, James has one of the cutest blushy moments where he realizes he's just been called out on something and he can't stop giggling. It's so cute. I love his blushy smile.

And I should be getting off here to go work on my woodworking. And don't think I can't hear you snickering, I can hear it. *spank* You know exactly what I mean by woodworking..LOL

I passed my art class with an A-. Fuck yeah!! *dances around listening to Shakira*

By the way, I'd like to say that I love James Andrew Fitazgerald. And I always will. He's the most beautiful, passionate, understanding, forgiving, most loyal man I have ever met in my life. And that's why I just guh, I love him. And well, just had to let you know.

( mini Brandon Routh picspam..because Brandon and my boyfriend are fucking rockstars )

*not single* I'm gonna start leaving all my relationship news out of the LJ spotlight. It's really..Idk, it helps to get it out but I'll just get a real diary or something. So then its actually private. You guys really helped me out though. But seeing as how James hates that I write in this journal about him, I'm stopping. So, that's it for that.

I'm making some icons with House of Wax. Going nicely. And it's helping this immense hole fill up. The hole of confusion and the abyss. So that's good. Umm, yeah, I'm addicted to this movie. Seeing Jared get all waxed up, kind of a turn on. So I guess this movie is porny.

Anyways, I'm gonna go take a shower and go hang out with J. And I just finished two videos. One with some clips of the Paley interview, and then one where Dean is all sad and emo. I like him being vulnerable. I'm so Dean sometimes, I try my best to hide what I really feel behind a smile but it al comes out sooner or later. At least I don't punch my brother or something.

I think I will call him soon or have him call me. I feel so stupid right now. Like I shouldn't have broken up with him. But in order to get back together, we gotta talk alot. Maybe I am super stupid or something. Whatever.

I need some comfort food or something.

I just wanted to have a post in here that was actually public. *goes to write friends-locked update*

Rules: Write a journal entry for this meme with seven random facts about yourself. Then pick some of your friends, list and tag them – no tag-backs! These rules should be included in your entry.

Tagged by
superboyclex


1. I used to like Dean Winchester alot, but now I'm a HUGE Sam Winchester fan
2. I think babies are so freaking cute, I'd love to have some
3. I made 79 icons for a post I'll be making soon
4. I'm changing my major in school to GRAPHIC DESIGN
5. I'm drawing The Joker for a class project
6. I'm awesome at writing papers for school, I'm a master at it
7. The reason I breathe is to make people smile and be happy

Now I tag:
obselizabeth
die_grinsekatze
_charon
ckll
darkangel69

I loved that meme. It was awesome. Um, well...I get to see James 2moro!! Yay! So I'm happy bout that. Um, anything else? Oh, I made some simple orange border Scarlett Johanssen icons for _charon. Cuz I love that boy. *mwah* Lol. But yeah, I gotta post my icons soon..

I talked to Danny last night. He helped me out in a major way. He opened my eyes to a few things in my relationship. And I have got to talk to James alot this weekend about alot. *sigh* It sucks though...

But hey if I can excape a dungeon, I can talk...

*needs a big bear hug..again*

I have no school tomorrow because I already completed my Mondy class. So I can just sit on my ass all day. Just like I did the past few days. I can be so lazy sometimes. But whatever. Um, I don't even know why I'm posting. I have no real thought to post about. No real reason. So let me just think up something.

*thinks*

I wish there was a movie with Christian Bale and Jensen Ackles making out. That would be cute. Oh!!! I just remembered that someone asked me why I think the thought of two guys togehter is a good thought. And I said its the same reason why men like to see two women together. But they still didn't understand because he doesn't like to see two women together. So now I don't know what to say. I'm not too interested in really having a debate on it either. It just works for me.

Well, I went up to Philadelphia today. Ended up going to The Gallery mall outlet. It was fine. I only got a pair of jeans though. I'm really not much of a shopper. Especially when the stores are immensely packed. It always makes me nervous/anxious. But whatever, I got something nice and that was ok. And my mom almost killed this lady. It was awesome. My mom almost kicked her ass!! *praises mommy* I really wanna get some nice sleek sexy boots. I want them bad! Oh, and just a quick question..is Christian Bale playing a mexican man in his new movie? I haven't researched that yet. But everyone in the movie is latin/spanish/hispanic...so yeah.

Anyway, I'm kinda busy talking to Jimmy. *swoon* Bye, lovelies!!

p.s. this is the icon i made of tove:..where can i get a pretty one OR can anyone make one? I want a Tove icon..

I'm almost done eating all of my Halloween candy. I just ate chinese food for brunch. My tummy kinda hurts. I bought a new coat for winter. It rocks hardcore. It's very cute and such. I'm getting a headache. I wish life came with a manual and an FAQ site. I'm kinda feeling a little weird, I know why, I just don't know how I feel..

*needs a big bear hug*

I never noticed how gorgeous Kyle is. He's emo so he wears his hair over his eyes. But I saw him tonight and he's cute. So that's nice.

My friend Alisha had her baby on Friday. And I didn't find out til now. That makes me sad. That I wasn't one of the first to know. But it's alright. I mean, yeah. *frowns* *hopes for the best for her and the baby*

I miss having that close knit group of friends that I used to have. Fucking friendships, dammit! I'm a nice person, right? I mean geez, I'm terrified of using the phone. I'm sorry! I don't have a car, I'm sorry! Sometimes, I don't even wanna begin new friendships anymore. For some reason, people love me when they meet me then they just...*poof*. I hate that. I can keep a boyfriend, but friends just leave me.

I just need you guys to just let me know what you think. Like I know I shouldn't be crying over this thing I can't control but I'm emotional. I can't hide it. I just wanna hug somebody. *goes to hug little brother* He's my hero..

I'm changing it...again. I know, I know. But I really wanna have all my stuff the way I finally want it. I'm so fickle sometimes. And I'm gonna be late for class if I don't get going now. Cya, loves!!

*mwah hugs*

Love:
+Winchestercest
+Sex in general
+hunting the worst vermin=pedophiles
+staying up late to watch Six Feet Under
+M.A.S.T.U.R.B.A.T.I.O.N. :D
+making people feel as uncomfortable as I feel
+FOOD

Hate:
+Dial-up connection [which I have]
+not living in an apartment with James
+procrastinating when I know I shouldn't
+vulnerability taking over

Am still unsure of:
+why sex is so complicated
+life in general

♥ Happy Halloween, loves!! *gives out chocolate*

If I don't want to cry, I will never:
+go to Ashley's livejournal
+go to Dymphna's livejournal
+say either of their names
+think about old times, and how good they were
+contact either one of them

Yeah, so I was going back to my old journal, kinnetic17, so I could make it my test journal for layouts. And I went to my friends' page and I saw all these posts from them, and I sort of miss them, but Dymphna made me so depressed. I used to be full of self-pity, and I'm not quite sure if she helped or hurt me more. And she stopped being my friend, I'm not sure why. And Ashley was my ex-girlfriend. We were really close. Were, being the keyword. Now I just feel kinda shitty. Cuz well, I'm still unsure of what happened. But whatever, I really don't have the time to worry about old relationships that have no future. So, yeah. *wipes tear* I need to start my art project, and talk to James..

I have the worst headache right now. I've had it on and off for two days. And it sucks.

Anyway, I need some help from you guys. I want to make myself an about me banner using a pic from Hayden's VMAN spread. I went to the Desiring Hayden website and found the pics but they show up as red x's when I choose to view them larger. It's weird. And it may be just on my computer cuz it tends to do this from time to time. But if anybody can get me the full page pics from that spread, I would be eternally grateful. The pics I love the most are: the eye drops picture, the facial mask picture, and the one where its him sitting and he has his hand over his face with his eye showing through. Beautiful pictures won't let me keep them. *spanks the pics* Lol.

Thanks to anyone who can help.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, superboyclex!!!! *hugs you*

The Eagles lost today to the Buccaneers. They were losing 17-0, then they came back to have a score of 20-20, then scored to 21, then the Buccs won 23-21. Highly upsetting. But its ok. Donovan did throw up on the field tho. Poor baby. Oh, and yeah I downloaded the LJ Talk program but no one is never on. So i'm going back to Trillian, so I guess if anyone wants to talk then yeah hit me up on either my yahoo, aim, or msn names.

*wants pumpkin pie* Oh, and _charon, I think I might want to use your autumn gates layout from darthcharon. It's gorgeous and I think I will want to use that for my new layout. It's prettyful.

Um..yeah thats it. Bye!!!

I haven't posted in a day or so. Sorry for that...*spanks self* *giggle*

Anyways, I've gotten a chance to hang with James and its been awesome. Last night, we went out and got ice cream from ColdStone. And my ice cream was the awesomest ever. It was PUMPKIN!!!!!!! For those of you who don't know, I'll let you in. I have an absolute bordering obsession with pumkins and pumpkin flavored items. Delicious! I was so happy I got something with that glorious taste. It was lovely. And James got pumpkin too.

And then tonight, we went out to see The Prestige. It was really good. But I will say this, if you do not like to be fooled, then don't see this. I was fooled majorly and I loved every minute of it. Christian Bale was bloody brilliant and Hugh Jackman was gorgeous. Mmmmmm, men are nice. Lol. And Scarlett Johannsen was alright. She didn't seem too important when you had two utterly gorgeous men in suits and ties and top hats. So overall, this movie gets 2 thumbs up.

And the cold weather outside combined with my newly found smaller figure and barely there weight has made me something resembling a sick puppy. My throat feels weird and I feel a vomit coming on. *shares too much* But other than that, I'm tops. I guess that's all I wanted to say. Oh, and does anybody know an actual website where fafiction in all forms can be found? I'm at a loss.

Toodles! *has art project due on Monday* D'oh! *needs to find a good Hayden moodtheme as well*

I have absolutely NOTHING to do all day. All damn day. I might as well be doing my art project but I don't really fucking care about it. I'd rather redo my userinfo and play with orange graphics. I wish I had photoshop. It would help so much. Without it, I'm just doing nothing. I did make 3 icons tho. Fairly simple to make.

1. 2. 3.

Anyways, yeah..I'm bored..so I'll be rummaging for a new something..

Well I have my two midterms today. I hope I do good on them, I need this. I need good grades just to lift up my spirits about school a bit. It helps so much. Oh, and yay! My grandma is coming home from the hospital today! So I get to see her at home. Awesome! And I'm watching some comedian videos on YouTube. I added a vid myself as well. It's a slideshow of James Dean, but soon I will be adding my qaf vid and my star wars vid. Yayz! Anyways, I should be heading to class now. So bye!!

Finaly back to LJ!! *cuddles my journal* I've missed it so much. And I love my new layout. Positively divine. I love autumn and all its prettiness. I'm in drawing classes this year at school and I figured I'd share my art at some point. I think it's pretty good considering I've never really drawn for a class ever. But yeah, the art is on its way.

So let's see what's happened since my last post. Well a bunch has happened in ten days. I got to see James and we had an amazing two days together. It was very nice. We went to a comedy show. The performer was LEWIS BLACK!!!! I love him. He's so awesome. He uses political humor which I love. And he was on the Daily Show which I love. Anyway, the show was awesome. And so was the time before and after the show. Beautiful. And I love my boyfriend!!! And I get to see him this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday hopefully. He has a four day weekend. And I can't wait to reap the benefits of that.

Hmmm, what else? I'm doing really good in school. All A's!! *bows to your clapping* Anyways, uh well let's see...um, I'm finally friends with Tony from school. And he's awesome, he calls me Crazy! And I love that. He's a funny guy. Wish we woulda hung out in high school. Oh, and I've connected with some people from my art classes. Awesome! They're cool. Theyre names are Thato and Cecelia. Eeeee! Yay!

Okay thats enough for now, I need to finish studying my notes for Audio class. *waves bye*

guys, i can't stress this enough. tell everyone you know to surf safe online. never give out any personal information and never ever meet someone you don't know by yourself.

I need you to be there
I need you to love me
I need you to hold me
I need you to kiss me
I need you to hug me
I need you to feel me
I need you to touch me
I need you to want me
I need you to keep me

I need you to make me feel kept
I need you to make me feel wanted
I want you to make me feel touched
I need you to make me feel felt
I need you to make me feel hugs
I need you to make me feel kisses
I need you to make me feel held
I need you to make me feel loved
I need you to make me feel like you’re always here.

Will you be there?
Will you love me?
Will you hold me?
Will you kiss me?
Will you hug me?
Will you feel me?
Will you touch me?
Will you want me?
Will you keep me?

Please do, it’s all that I have ever wanted..

( Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol )

I've found that I'm very good at fucking up. I feel like crap and I do believe I should.

I just had my first Basic Designs class. It was great. It ran from 10a to 3pm. But we had like an hour or so of break time inbetween so it was nice. And I drew a red apple, a white jug and 2 more green apples. It was cool. I made a 3D picture and a 2D picture. But this guy in that class was eye-fucking me like a mofo. I wanted to say something, trying to channel bitchygrrl's fierceness, but it was to no avail. I do not like him thus far though. *sticks out tongue*

Me and Jim are doing good lately. It's been quite a time lately. Scandals and controversy abounded but we're a stubborn bunch cuz we will never ever give up on eachother. I mean, I LOVE HIM MORE THAN I LOVE CHOCOLATE. And that's alot. Oh, and I miss his hugs and kisses. He's up at his college in Chester, PA without a car because his engine died. =P But we are strong and we will make it through this time apart.

And yay for Danny and Lisa!! Sweeties 4 Lyfe! Lol, I know you guys'll love that.

I gotta take pics of the shirt I am wearing today. It fucking rocks the universe.

I'm on my way towards making a fic about a love triangle between Hayden Christensen/Jake Gyllenhaal/Jared Leto. It's gonna be so hot. I was so into 3-ways with Hayden so I decided to take out the old Cillian/Ewan/Hayden and put in my two other boys. Awesome. I know u can't wait for this.

I'm getting started tonight! I do think it will be called Something That Happened...